[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

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Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.


Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.


me: can you check my math homework?

guard: what

me: is this not a correctional facility


[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo


Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*


Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye


So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens


Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”


Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.


Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.