Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
me: can you check my math homework?
me: is this not a correctional facility
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.