Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

New skill unlocked

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

This made me chuckle cuz mood

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.