Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

Note to self: I am a note

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell