*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?