Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

learning about math 🧐 📝

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*