Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.