Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first