I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…![]()
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
got so much cardio in today
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward