Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

ㅤ

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.