Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

I need a headline like this

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn