Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
Just take a day off
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
You Might Also Like
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Me: Ugh, there’s always issues with the wifi!
Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.