I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.



For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..


HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth


Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do


Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure


Sometimes I pluck out a random hair so they know none of them are really safe.


Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again



Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.