@rad_milk

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

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@dogfather

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

@FrogAvalanche

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

@Playing_Dad

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

@ComedicBust

Me: Ugh, there’s always issues with the wifi!

Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.

@thisislizz

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@LizHackett

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.