I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
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gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup