So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Sometimes I pluck out a random hair so they know none of them are really safe.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”
Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”