I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
U talkin 2 me?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.