I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?