Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.