What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Adultry does not sound fun at all
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Worth a try
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My new favorite headline
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
May have had one breakfast too many