@drankturpentine

I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward

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@mommajessiec

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

@BobbyBigWheel

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting

@CallmeMrBigs

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

@TheAlexNevil

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

@TheAlexNevil

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

@karencheee

Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.

@MavenofHonor

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

@shariv67

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

@annaeveryday

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING