I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward

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Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.


Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting


Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.


7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.


I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!


Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.


On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.


People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.


flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what