Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

My boss called in sick of me

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle