I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
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My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My dress code is business-casualty.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.