Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Noah was an idiot.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?