I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.