I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
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I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*