I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
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I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
This is so me 😂😂
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN