I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
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God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.