I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
life lately
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!