Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Sign of the day..

here we go again

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )