I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Happy Caturday!
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
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The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor