@dumbbeezie

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

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@Lhlodder

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

@TacoStamp1

Damn my stomach is making really weird noises…I’m gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.

@KyleMcDowell86

*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*

@Marlebean

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

@MUMSIEesq

5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp

@ShortSleeveSuit

[front door opens]

Everyone [hiding in the dark]: *flicks on lights* SURPRISE!

Burglar: It sure is!

Everyone:

[someone fires a glitter cannon]

@ErinChack

[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug

@Carbosly

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

@RoosterMustache

I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.