I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
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I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.