Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

When ur friends with white people

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.