Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.