I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
You Might Also Like
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus