I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
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The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside