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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
The glockness monster
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Google Pay be like:
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.