You Might Also Like
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
😜
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.