I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
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In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
the Monday after daylight savings
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
This dude got his own movie?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Pat is about to own someone
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.