I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
How animals would run if they were human
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Interior design 👌
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.