I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
sensitive skin
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.