I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
i wish i could marry a nap
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.