@brakco

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

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@trojansauce

DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage

@ObscureGent

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

@NervousJr

Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!

Me: *you’re

@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

@cjwerleman

Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.

@T_N_Crumpets

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

@aissalanis

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

@mela_shea

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@El_Emeno

I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.