I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.


My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.


Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”


[About to have sex]

Me: I want you so bad.

Her: Take me.

Me: [rips off panties]



My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.


friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.


Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.


It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.