I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
