I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you