Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

tfw you realize …

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.