I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
You Might Also Like
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
What
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
