Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

Friday

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more