I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Pikachu found the lost joint
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.