Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

I get distracted pretty eas

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.