Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.