Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting