Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

ㅤ

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.