“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Oh. My. God.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”