I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
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Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago