Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a winner.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Still cracks me up

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

No one :

Me when I swimming :

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…