Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Cheers Twitter.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n