I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.