Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

This checks out

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?