Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

could’ve been anyone

THE AUDACITY. 😤

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.