I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
You are not alone 💚
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?