Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps