I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
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Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
