Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.