Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?