Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.