I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
You Might Also Like
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that