I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.
I think about this often.
I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.
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I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
tinder is all about the long game
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty