@AverageCorners

I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.

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@henchbeaver

I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.

I think about this often.

@nappydolemite

I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.

@PaperWash

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

@Owl_Meat

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

@david8hughes

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

@bholejuice

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

@hxnlxne

sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty