I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
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If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
This was a bad idea all around
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA: