I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone