Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

welcome back

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

Get off my horse you stupid moon

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.