I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.