I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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rapatouille
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.