Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Barbie gone wild

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.