Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.