Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

Someone should probably go check on Steve.