I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
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Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?