I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
You Might Also Like
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
who wore it better?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”