I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
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Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
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Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.