I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
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I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
how to exercise your calf muscles
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.