I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
You Might Also Like
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Ummm
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do