I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
reminder
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.