I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
58.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?